Last Day of Class!

Today was my last day of class and what a blast! The last thing I want to briefly talk about is the topic of divorce that we talked about in class. There were some huge points that I hadn't thought about before until we discussed it in class. One of the things we talked about was the Disney land dad. Usually in most cases the mother gets a majority of the time with the children because she is their mother. Dad's are usually left with only having them for the weekends or sometimes just for the Summer. A lot of times kids might favor being with their dad because that's where they have the most fun and don't have to do chores or be disciplined. If you think about it, if a dad only has the weekend then wouldn't he want to spend it having a good time with his kids instead of telling them to do chores? However, the mother still gets most time with her kids and that's a huge bummer to the father. Except one plus side for the dad is that he has more free time to date around and find another wife. While the ex wife doesn't have time because she tending to her children. One other point that I hadn't thought about was the extreme costs that come with divorce, not only that but the father has to pay twice as much as what he was paying before. Even though these seem like these would be things anyone would think about, surprisingly people really don't think it through.

On the last day of class we were asked to put together a 10 minute talk and give it to another classmate. I honestly did not think I would enjoy it as much as I did, it really helped me to expand on the things that I have already learned and take it further. I have learned so many important things about family, marriage and life in general. I have thoroughly enjoyed this class from the start until the very end.

Purpose of parenting

Out of all the different things I have learned about the purposes of parenting, I have found that it is the biggest learning opportunity for the parents. It's an incredibly humbling experience for parents to learn through their children as they teach and guide them. Some of the different ways parenting teaches the parents themselves is the ability to love more, gives purpose, opportunities to grow or develop, and motivation. According to Popkins, in order to receive the behavior you want out of a child you must first focus on the needs of that child. When you do this then you will get the behavior you want, however, each child is different which means there will be different needs that need to be met. The first few needs that are most important to a child is contact and belonging followed by power. Contact and belonging means to provide contact freely to your children and belonging means to offer contribution so that they feel they have a sense of belonging. An example might be that you give children chores to participate in feeling like you have a part in keeping the house clean. Also try to do chores with them so that they have an opportunity to talk with you and become closer to one another. As for the idea of power, give the child options and this will give them the sense that they have power to make decisions. Let your kids have several opportunities to choose for themselves but there is also a balance to this. If the decision involves danger, or if it's too far in the future and if it affects other people negatively. I would like to end with my own personal experiences with my parents and what I have learned. I have had parents that have throughout my life given me freedom, opportunity and protection. Three things that I believe to be so important when having children, my parents have taught me the importance of humility and forgiveness. Two things that I hold very close to my heart and has molded me into the person I am today. I am so thankful that I grew up with parents that have been in my life and impacted it in such a positive way.

The Power of Conflict

Have you ever stopped to think that conflict could actually be a GOOD thing in your relationships? I know I never really thought that way before, until my class this week. My teacher really brought to light the great advantages to having conflict in a relationship and I'll discuss a few of them. The interesting thing about all of the advantages to being exposed to conflict is that it all kind of weaves together. When you are in a conflict and you are in it with a humble heart you begin to learn more about other perspectives or information that you never thought about before. Along with learning new things from a different perspective, this allows you to become more humble or teachable. When you are teachable, you begin to learn more and you become closer to your spouse. There's an analogy that my teacher talked about that helped us to really understand perspective. If you stick your hand out and have one person sitting on opposite sides of your hand, both people will see it differently. However, it is a description of the same thing; the hand. Often times when we get into fights it is only what we see but if we can broaden our minds we can try to understand where that person is coming from.

Family Crisis

When you first hear the word coping what do you think of? Maybe the reactions you might have resulting from difficult situations or is it learning to accept a crisis and learning to get through it. In class we took a little different perspective on coping, in order to get a better understanding of what it means. We talked about the coping that is done in order to put up crowning in a home, usually a decorative part joining the ceiling and wall in an elegant manner. With this type of coping you must have very precise cuts in order for the pieces to join together, not only cutting but the amount of pressure that needs to be applied in order for it to work correctly. When applied to the family in a crisis you need to work together in order to become unified and strong. If only a couple people are working at the problem then the problem will only continue to stay. Another example of coping is the coping you would find on a pool, it almost kind of looks like a lip over the pool. This coping is also very strong so that people of all shapes and sizes can easily come in and out of the pool safely. When applying this to the family we could say that we need to formulate good boundaries with who we allow to come into our crisis (or the pool). We might also say that this coping allows a sort of safety for the family in order to stick together within the pool. What great analogies formed in order to understand coping and the fact that a family needs to stick together in order to fully resolve a crisis. We must stick together no matter how much pressure we might be feeling and want to just curl up in a ball and not discuss anything.

Marriage Adjustments

Aside from the biggest change of getting married we could also say that there are smaller details of adjustment when you first get married. Have you ever thought about sleeping adjustments or cleaning habits? For a good majority of people we later learn about these patterns once we are actually with our spouse. My husband and I found sleeping adjustments to be the hardest to figure out. I like the bedroom to be fairly warm while my husband would rather have the room ice cold and be covered by layers of blankets. So far we have just tried to make the temperature a happy medium for both of us and my husband sleeps with less covers now. Typically a lot of adjustments happen within in the first month and well into the first year of marriage. This is why it is usually a good idea to discuss different habits or rituals that the other person goes through prior to getting married. Sit down together and go through different habits such as spending, getting ready in the morning, punctuality, and eating habits etc.

What is love?

Have you ever thought to think what love is? I'm sure you think about the lovey dovey feelings you get when someone gives you a kiss or gives you a hug. typically we think about the romantic side of love and the emotional aspects of love. This type of love in Greek terms is actually called Eros, which is the emotional and romantic part of being in love. Something that should really come last in a relationship. Why? Wouldn't you hate it if down the road you realized what that person was actually like? Probably. There are three other terms used in the Greek terminology and they are Philia, Storge, and Agape. Philia love is the friendship you form or otherwise known as brotherly love, the State Philadelphia is known as the brotherly love state. Storge can be described as the love a parent has for their child. Some might think this is a weird comparison but try to dive deeper and see that a love that a parent has for their child is always evolving over time. Lastly is Agape, this is a more general type of love and can be towards complete strangers. Agape is described as doing service for one another. The four Greek terms are so important in having a strong relationship with people and even your companion. The latter three terms I discussed should always come first in finding the right companion for you, Eros will always come naturally after you've built a strong basis of true love. When dating try to remember the four Greek terms, if that person goes straight for Eros then chances are it is more of a lustful desire rather than a common destination for true love.

Same Sex Attraction

One thing I would like to clarify about same sex attraction is that it is not classified as being gay. There is a huge difference between the two, when you are gay then you  have decided to be in relationships with the same sex. having an attraction with the same sex does not mean you are now gay. An interesting thing we learned in class was how someone comes about becoming gay. I know a lot of us secretly wonder, a big portion of society would tell you that people are born with that instinct but this simply is not true. It really starts at a young age, child preferences in what they play with will impact how that child will be viewed by other children. I'm not saying as young as 5 but more like elementary age. If a boy is getting teased by the other boys then what is he going to do? He's going to try to impress the boys more than he is with the girls because he wants to be accepted. An interesting fact I learned in class was about boys her are sexually abused. If a young boy early on is sexually abused by another male then typically his idea is that this is acceptable and that he is supposed to like the same sex instead of the opposite. We might also say that boys who are taught that it is not ok to see a naked woman might actually cause that boy to think that it must be ok to see naked men. However, none of this is scientifically proven but ideas on how a boy might come to having an attraction towards the same sex. This typically does not happen as often with girls but more so when they have had a divorce, they aren't finding that emotional stability from their ex and they just end up having lesbian relationships. Again, I want to reiterate that these are just ideas that might help some people to more fully understand how same sex attraction happens.

Culture

When you think of culture, what are some of the first things that come to mind? Maybe different countries around the world or different ethnicities. The definition of culture as discussed in my class means to have a set of traditions or norms that a particular group follows. Learning by example; seeing it, hearing it, and speaking it. So as I said before, our initial thoughts are a lot greater and bigger but could we bring it in even closer to home? Do you have traditions or norms that your own family has followed throughout the years? One thing that I found interesting while discussing culture was the accommodations or adjustments you have to make when you get married. Now I'm not talking about individual habits that you have to sometimes get used to. Sometimes those things can get mixed in with culture and we have to be careful to see the difference there. For me this cultural mix has become a very new experience for me, I recently got married in July 2015. I haven't been a part of holiday traditions yet but I have gotten a taste of the other family traditions that my husband does. One example is family reunions, they get together with family very frequently for family reunions. This is something that is complete opposite from what I am actually accustom to, my family on both sides have probably done a total of 4 or 5 reunions in my life time. It's kind of hard for me to adjust to because I'm not used to being around so many people at a time for days at a time. This isn't a small reunion either, they are huge! Don't get me wrong, I fully believe family reunions are great and I want that for our some day little family. This is just one cultural difference that I will need to learn to get used to. Sometimes it can be really overwhelming with how many people there are but they are all great and wonderful people. As I briefly mentioned earlier about wanting family reunions for our own little family, this is an example of me sort of adopting new cultural practices into my life. That's the great thing about culture, you can take traditions from other people to make a more positive impact in your own family. However, it is also important that you don't try to adopt traditions that could be negative to the family. Have fun with it and brain storm the cool varieties of culture around you!

Family Systems Theory

According to the text book "Marriage & Family The Quest For Intimacy" by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer the definition of systems theory is that "...particular people form the system and have particular rules and roles that apply to their system. Furthermore, the group is composed of interrelated parts (individuals)." (p.20). However, in my Family Relations class we talked about systems theory actually being family systems. In each family there is always going to be a member who pulls in an important role or function of the system. Have you ever thought about what role you play in your family? We discussed in class the various roles we each took in our families and there was a wide variety. There isn't just a secluded number of roles, everyone brings their own unique part in the family unit. There are certain roles that are more central than others that makes the whole operate, this is called the Homeostatic Mechanism. For example one might say it would be the mother or father or both. If mother and father are central then we can start to draw out where we might fit in with them and maybe even siblings we there are any. Some people might draw (literally) themselves either close or far away from the parental subsystem and the same with siblings. Visually, it is a great way to actually see where relationships are and how to adjust them in a way that is more healthy. No family is perfect and there will always be room for improvement with relationships, the key to this? Communication. You simply CANNOT expect relationships to improve if you constantly assume that your family member knows what you're feeling. I am definitely 100% at fault when it comes to communication, it's hard for me to just go up to my sister or parents and tell them how I'm feeling without having an invitation. As silly as this might sound, it's true! Even when someone does ask how we are, what is our immediate response? "I'm good" or "I'm fine" Maybe take the time the next opportunity you have with a family member to dig deeper and see how they're doing and how the relationship is between the two of you. Recently I had gotten into the most ridiculous argument with my sister which blew up into a 3 year build up of frustration with me or in my case; misunderstanding. I was so offended and didn't realize that she didn't know my side of the story and I didn't know hers. We somewhat fixed it but it's a work in progress. It is so important to talk to your family members and learn more about the relationships you have with them. Who knows, maybe there was 3 years of anger and frustration that you didn't know about.

How many kids do I actually want?

I'm sure at one point we've all sat back and thought about the number of children we want, I know I have. It seems that when I was a lot younger I always wanted a large number and as I got older and older that number slowly diminished. Why? Because of selfish reasons or things that were taught to me in school. My selfish reasoning was that I wouldn't be able to go out and have as much fun anymore as well as children just being too expensive. In school I always had a few teachers that taught about the pollution in the world and the carbon footprint we are creating. Not only pollution but the thought that one day we might run out of food and space for everyone on this planet! Let me tell you, this is entirely wrong. There was a man by the name of Dr. Ehrlich who put together a book called "Population Bomb" that talked about all these different ideas. In my class we discussed the idea of not having enough space on the planet for everyone and we talked about car rides or airplane rides. With both you almost always see wide open space for most of your trip and not a ton of cities or homes everywhere. As for food, we are producing more than we actually need! Farming equipment and technology has advanced tremendously that we actually have more than we need. Then there is the carbon footprint, there will always be people that have more cars than they actually need and so it's not about how many people are on the earth.

It is actually important that we do have children believe it or not. Through my religious background and economically it is crucial that we do have kids. If you think about it economically you see that the more people there are, the more brain power, the more people, the more creativity etc. How do you think there was such a huge technology movement in the 1950's? This was the time of the baby boomers, there was a generation that on average had about 3 kids per family in the United States. I was surprised at the number because I had always thought it was like 5 or 6 per family but there was a little known fact left out of this equation. Older people were no longer dying as early as they used to, medicine had advanced and  people were living longer. However, 3 kids per family is still a much higher average than it is today. There will eventually be a decline in the population and this will not only effect the economy but the future generation. As we discussed in my class we talked about how we are all a very social people and family is the foundation unit in which to build upon. If everyone is only having one child, eventually the family members that child will have will diminish drastically. No more aunts or uncles or siblings or cousins. We all connect with our family and it's a large part in how we learn to socialize. Which brings me back to our selfishness or in other words individualism, our society has become so focused on ourselves that we don't see the big picture. I would like to end with my testimony, I do believe that our Heavenly Father wants us to multiply and replenish the earth. I know that through Him ANYTHING is possible if we only have faith in Him. He will never hand us anything that we can't handle and we should have more children than what we're allowing ourselves to have. I'm not saying you or I have to have 5, 8, or 12 children, everyone is different and each of us will receive our own revelation through Heavenly Father on how many children to have. We have been given such a sacred gift in bringing down His spirit children so that they might have a body and go through this big journey of life.

Very first post in the blogging world!

Ok so this is my first time ever having a blog and so I'm still figuring this all out. I am definitely not computer savvy but I'll have to soon! I am so excited to learn in the new Family Relations class, so far it has been so exciting to learn. I am a Marriage & Family major at BYUI and I have been attending since last Fall. I just got married this past July and I have to say I have loved it so much. It's not perfect that's for sure but marriage will always be a work in progress in my opinion. My husband and I enjoy watching movies, doing spontaneous trips, and being with family. Both my husband and myself grew up in Kennewick WA which makes holiday destinations easy because both our parents live in the same town. I have 2 other siblings who are both younger than me, one is a senior in high school and the other is a 7th grader. I honestly have to say I love being with my family, especially since I have been away at college already and realized quickly how much I love my quirky dysfunctional family :) Anyways, that's a little bit about me. Happy first blog post.